Mindy and Max's True Life

about coping with ADHD, single motherhood and unconditional love for your child.

Guppy Killer, Qu’est Que C’est? February 15, 2010

Filed under: Love — Mindy Hester @ 10:31 pm
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For those just tuning in to the show, I’d like to reintroduce myself to you. My name is Mindy, I am a 40 year-old single Mom to a 5-year-old beautiful boy with ADHD, a musician and addicted blogger. I am also, as of 2 nights ago, a homicidal maniac. I didn’t make it to the homicide part, thank the fucking Gods, but sure got right up there to the front of the line of mental unsoundness. And it’s all because of a personality trait I thought I had stockpiled over the years. Something people have always complimented me for, wondered in awe at my never-ending supply. That trait is PATIENCE.

But about a week ago I noticed one of my female guppies growing larger and showing the signs of soon delivering her load. (Add “fish” geek to the list of “geeks” that I am, including Star Wars, knitting, Duran Duran and Wes Anderson movies). I love my fancy guppies, they are beautiful and I care deeply for them. They all are named after Star Wars characters, and Padme is the guppy in question this evening. She was bursting at the seams, so I put her in one of those breeder boxes and just watched and waited. I literally just sat there and watched for an entire week as this poor fish swam back and forth in this horrible 8X4 inch prison. My nose pressed to the glass I was obsessed. My eyes were fixated on this fish’s ass and I couldn’t look away, not even blink, for fear of missing the chance of seeing a little baby fish swim out of her butt. It was insanity. Days passed, hours passed…and then my insanity exploded.It took on a life of its own and said…… I JUST CAN’T WAIT ANY LONGER!!!

So on to Google I go, “How to induce fish labor?” I ask. The results gave me hope, and I started to do all the techniques- ALL the techniques. Raise the temperature of the water to 73-75 degrees? Well, sure, but why not 80. Add a tablespoon of Epsom Salts to the tank to relax the fish? Why not 2 tablespoon, maybe even three, like a fish epidural if you will. Sometimes a bit of Aquarium Salt helps, so I pickled that tank like they do the big Kosher one’s in the jar at Max & Benny’s. I lit candles, played music…..NOTHING!!!! And then…..something. Like a little ball, rolling out with eyes. But, it wasn’t alive, you see. Neither were the other 33 little balls that followed. The thing is, I may have been ready for Padme to have her babies, but Padme was not. And neither were her babies.

“I prayed to God to give me patience, and he gave me a traffic jam”. I heard that once and it has stuck in my head on a loop since I played God that night to this fish. Padme is fine, and actually 5 of the babies survived. But, Mindy needs to slow down. Mindy needs to focus all this manic energy on helping Max, not performing fish abortions. Sometimes I forget the healthy pace life is supposed to clip around at and I move to fast, think too fast and act impulsively. I hope to teach my son to stop and think about the consequences of his actions, and I hope I listen to my own advice. Tonight, I sleep with the fishes.

 

Mama did a bad, bad thing. But, you can’t die from lack of sleep can you? February 10, 2010

Filed under: Funny Shit,Mad Max Stories,Occupational Therapy — Mindy Hester @ 9:37 pm
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When Max was born I was already on my own. Night feedings were brutal, the days passed in a cloud of sameness, routine and persistent body odor from lack of a single moment to take care of myself. I think back on it now as a year long acid trip, not a bad one, just a really exhausting one.

So when Max turned 4 years old we ditched the crib and bought the famed “BIG BOY BED”. What a landmark event, what an accomplishment. Then what a huge mistake I then made. One that I am paying for EVERY SINGLE NIGHT.

It’s a mistake I am sure some of you out there are making on this very night. I did this: I tucked him into bed, snuggled up next to him and stayed with him until he fell asleep. I loved doing this, hearing the change in the pattern of his breathing as he finally drifted off. It was the best part of my day. But, in doing so I taught my son that the only way that he can comfort himself is with me right there next to him. He is now unable to find a safe, cozy place of his own to sleep, all by himself. I lost out on teaching him how to comfort himself, how to feel safe alone and how to be okay being alone.

Because of this, I have NOT slept alone since. Oh, there is no hot guy lying next to me, but a beautiful 5-year-old boy who can’t get comfortable without me. He falls asleep in his own bed but it’s not a few hours later when he crawls back into mine. I pick him up and put him back into his, he waits a few minutes and the process starts over again. It lasts all night. He can’t sleep without me, he is almost 6 years old. I am 40 and I am sleeping every night with a 5-year-old. With help from his OT we have tried lots of tricks:

1. I set up my camping tent right on top of his bed, made him a little hideie-hole. Didn’t work, came down 2 weeks later.

2. Charts, Charts, Charts!!!!!!! I am so sick of charts. The reward system didn’t work for this one. He still came into my bed even with the prospect of being able to go to Toys R Us and pick out anything in the store.

3. The taking away of his Lego’s- May I never have to live through that again, dear G-d. And if you know me, you know I went through some acute withdrawal myself on that one.

4. We put a light up picture frame by his bed with a picture of me. When he wakes up and misses me he reaches over, kisses the picture and goes back to sleep. Piece of Costco crap broke the first night.

5. Melatonin- works. Then he wakes up. You can’t double dose (I asked the pharmacist).

6. Now we are here: He has to ask permission to enter my bed. I am supposed to not utter a word, but get up and escort him back to his bed without speaking. This is where i am stuck. Damn, I’m tired and just want to sleep so 3/4 of the time i just roll over, let him in and go to sleep. Do you blame me? I mean, where’s my 6-8 hours? Bright eyed and bushy-tailed is folklore. Aesop got enough sleep. He was the last.

What do you do? How do you get the kid out of your bed when half the time you can’t stand it and the other half of the time it’s like heaven. Sweet dreams, Max. I hope the restraints I used tonight on you aren’t too tight. Give me a shout if they are, I’ll come loosen them.

Love,
Mommy

 

Matt Champagne, Mitzvahs and Me. February 10, 2010

Filed under: Love — Mindy Hester @ 2:46 am
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A dear old friend from college (The terribly talented and smart as hell Matt Champagne, who happens to be showcasing for the Montreal Comedy Festival. Thursday February 18, 2010 at Bar Lubitsch (7702 Santa Monica Boulevard, West Hollywood, CA 90046) @ 8:30 pm. Do check it. I’m just saying.) , well my old friend once told me (actually it was Tuesday that he told me…) he told me that years ago he made a pact with himself while he was a regular on MySpace to write at least 300 words a day. For an entire year. He said it was a challenge he gave himself, and he did it. He wrote 300 words on that web page everyday for a year. Amazing.

For him. But there is no way I have that kind of will, nor tub of knowledge and experience to dip into when my cup is dry and, especially, any semblance of recall to remember to write the damn thing everyday in the first place. So, hats off to Matt Champagne ( www.remainchampagne.com). He made a pact, he kept it, he created something that wasn’t there before he put pen to paper. I admire him, not only as a super-talented actor and comedian, but as the best guy to get to have my first exciting yet awkward “first kiss on stage” with.

So, I have decided to make a pact to try to post everyday. Not 300 words, mind you. And, don’t harp on me and get all high and mighty if a few posts are kinda lame (you know, I throw up a cute photos of Max and some stupid You Tube video. We all have our lost days). But, know that I am working on it. I will try, because this weird bloggish-diary-mirror into my life has worked. I feel less edgy in the morning before coffee, more open to answering a phone call that says “ACS REcovery Service”, and I even accepted a gift. Yes. A gift out of nowhere. With only the best of intentions.

I am not very good at taking gifts, being the source of pity, accepting compliments, eating leftovers or blind dates. But, A woman, a friend and fellow Mom did something so nice for me today that I almost went into a sort of shock. This doesn’t happen to me, because of course I don’t ever let it happen. But, she was kind, sincere and was doing this “Mitzvah” for me ( to the goys: A Mitzvah is a good deed, going out of your way to help a fellow human being,and, no, not just help other Jews) She was doing this because she cared about me, she said she “Wanted” to do it, and to please let her do it. It was a first. It may have taken almost 10 min., but in the end I said “Thank you, I will accept your gift. Thank you.” Hardest two words to say in the English language; “Help Me”. I am so terrible at this. And it is something I need to learn to do, ask for help…accept help, if I am to do the best for Max. I shoveled my drive tonight 3 times by hand and refused neighbors offers to help. I spend the entire day before my cleaning lady comes, doing what? Yeah, cleaning. I will put a post it up on my bathroom mirror that says “Help Me” and my parents will put me away for good this time.

It’s time to let go a little. Stop holding on to all this shit, this shit ain’t got handles and I’m tired of holding on. I am. So….It’s 2:30 am, but we got the call from school. SNOW Day Tomorrow!!!!

Thanks for listening to my rants tonight. Go tell someone you love them. (…and Thank you, Matt, for your inspiration. Tomorrow I am going to just post an old commercial of yours. I’ll call your people).

 

1,000 Views & Love Is In The Air February 6, 2010

Filed under: Love,Mad Mindy Stories,Spirit — Mindy Hester @ 1:35 am
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This amazing photograph by M. Berna caught my eye and it tells my story.

I owe it all to you guys, all 1,000 of you who since it’s start 2 weeks ago have read the continuing story of Max and me. Thank you, from the bottom of my soul for your support and love. You see, I need you to keep on reading, because I NEED to keep on writing. It’s keeping me sane, reminding me of things that i should never forget and, most importantly, it’s helping me to be a better Mother.

I know that this isn’t an Oscar acceptance speech, but I do feel the need to show some gratitude to some Mothers who have taught me how to do the job. I have learned the following things from the following Mom’s:

1. Marcy has taught me that there are ALWAYS enough hours in the day to do everything and that if you set your mind to it, you can carry out it all. Your energy astounds me.

2. My Mom has taught me how magical unconditional love is, and how to be a true friend.

3. Diana, you and Rick prove to me that true love does exist and that fills me with hope.

4. Deidre, you amaze me with your dedication, devotion and love for your “only child”, like me too! I am honored to be your friend.

5. Lyssa, although we are just getting to know each other, your easy-going approach to things I would normally freak out about constantly remind me to get a fucking grip. Thanks for the mellow.

6. Kimberley proves that Motherhood under pressure isn’t miserable, and the light outshines the good.

7. The following chicks also inspire me to greatness: Alyssa S. Lana T, Karen Silver & Susie Severin, HB Johnson, Lori Hemesath, Jennifer Hester, Jen Thomas, Samantha Provenzano, Dana Abt, Gabby Rossi, Lisa Rockwell, Amy Udani, Chez Mohler, Emily Nadeau,  Heidi Neurateur and Amy Jacobs. You are all Mom’s that rock. Keep it up.

Last but not least, a little tale. 40 (cough, cough) years ago a single, scared and pregnant 18-year-old girl decided that I deserved a better life than the one she could give me. She did something that had to have been so heart wrenching, brave and painful but she went through with it. My birth mother put me up for adoption because she loved me too much to keep me. She knew she wasn’t up for the job and that I would suffer for it.

I have always known that I was adopted, it’s just something that I have always knew and understood as the gift it is. I was never treated differently from my brother and sister who weren’t adopted, never given special advantages and pitied. But, deep down in my heart of hearts I did feel different, I felt special. I felt chosen. And I felt, and still do, like the luckiest girl in the world.

In fourth grade a neighbor started pestering me about being adopted. She asked me if I felt bad that my Mom and Dad weren’t my “real” Mom and Dad. It upset me pretty bad and I ran home crying, not understanding. Because to me, I only have 1 set of parents. I still do. Well, my Mom took me in her arms and held me and said “there is something I want to show you”. She pulled out a yellowed and tattered newspaper clipping from just weeks after I was born. It was a excerpt from an old Dear Abby issue about adoption and ended with the following poem that has stayed inside me my whole life. Parenting has nothing to do with epidurals, diapers and car seats. That’s called pregnancy & babysitting This is true love, from one mother to her adopted daughter.

Not flesh of my flesh

Nor bone of my bone,

But still miraculously you are my own.

Never forget for a single minute,

You didn’t grow under my heart,

But in it.

Love,

Mindy

Photo courtesy of M. Berna at http://digitalshootingdotnet.wordpress.com/

 

A Note To An Old Friend 2/4/2010 February 4, 2010

Filed under: ADHD Facts & Opinions,Love,Spirit — Mindy Hester @ 11:13 pm
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Play This Link While You Read

Parenting is hard, and it can be terrifying. It is such an important job that it can be overwhelming and force you to run away with the sheer fear of the task at hand. But, I talked to an old friend tonight who needs a helping hand, a kick in the ass…whatever, to fucking snap out of it. Because this kid needs you.

In the end, one could talk for hours about the relationship between a father and a son. The only clear thing is that a father has to be willing to be spat upon by his son as many times as the son wishes to do it. Even still the father will not have paid a tenth of what he owes because the son never asked to be born. If you brought him into this world, the least you can do is put up with whatever insult he wants to offer. But this kid offers no insult, no bad feelings…only wants to know you. Only wants you to want to know him.

“Love without courage and wisdom is sentimentality, as with an ordinary church member. Courage without love and wisdom is foolhardiness, as with the ordinary soldier. Wisdom without love and courage is cowardice, as with the ordinary intellectual. But the one who has love, courage and wisdom moves the world.”
- Ammon Hennacy (Catholic activist, 1893-1970

Have the courage, friend. He needs you now so enough wasting time, enough excuses. Let me know how I can help.

 

Mr. Jumpy According To Max February 2, 2010

Filed under: Mad Max Stories — Mindy Hester @ 1:24 pm
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Max says that Mr. Jumpy comes and sneaks up behind him at school and tries to distract him in class. Max says to Mr. Jumpy “Go away! Not now! I am trying to work, it’s school!”. I asked what Mr. Jumpy looks like and Max says that he has crazy hair that sticks up all over, but it’s just normal brown not some crazy color. Mr. Jumpy wears a black suit with white pictures of people running all over it. At first Max told me that Mr. Jumpy doesn’t wear any shoes and then he changed his mind and said that Mr. Jumpy only wears running shoes. Makes sense, doesn’t it? Sometimes Max calls him “Mr. Jumpy Hairdo Man” on account of the crazy hair. I don’t know about you, but I am picturing that crazy “imaginary friend” that Phoebe Cates had in the movie Drop Dead Fred.

Max says Mr. Jumpy is okay when he asks him to go away, that he understands. And, it’s cool because Max can call him anytime he wants because his phone number is (847) 480- JUMPY.

I am a bit tossed between being so proud that my amazing kid can conceptualize his ADHD and “talk to it”, ask it to go away when he knows that he needs it to. But, slightly concerned my kid has an imaginary friend with a worse case of ADHD than he does and needs a stylist and a haircut. We went to Tae Kwon Do last night and Max asked Mr. Jumpy to stay in the car. I was watching class and Max was being slightly more hyper than usual. After class he whispered to me “Mr. Jumpy must have snuck out of the car when we weren’t looking”. Am I now the single parent of 2 kids?

 

Mr. Jumpy Better Watch His Back. January 29, 2010

Filed under: Love — Mindy Hester @ 3:41 pm
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Dear Max,

Hi. It’s Mommy. At this moment I am sitting in the waiting room of your Occupational Therapists office.  You and Lisa are most likely playing with shaving cream or jumping up and down on a variety of crazy equipment, so I thought I’d take the time to tell you a few things. I don’t know if you’ll ever read this, who knows if this “blog” stuff will last as long as the written word, but let’s be honest here. I am writing this for ME, not really for you. I am writing this for purely selfish reasons and I am woman enough to admit that. So, let’s get on with it shall we?

First of all, I want you to know how well you are doing. The improvements we have seen in you (me, your teachers, therapists, family and friends) is remarkable. Your school work is so much better, your behavior in class is like night and day and you are making more and more friends every day. I know that it’s hard for you, I can see that at times. “Mr. Jumpy” comes and throws you off course and sometimes ruins things like play dates and parties. But, together, we are getting a better handle on when he comes and what to do with him when he does. We have been taught the skills and we’ve got the tools to hunt him down and  “take him out”.

And then, of course, there is the issue of the medicine. There is something really important I want you to know about all this: It took hours and hours of thought, prayer and finally submission before I decided to listen to the doctors and try this stuff we’ve got you on. This was not an easy decision. And I still lose sleep over it, as we try drug after drug to find the right one. But the thing is, they are working. They really are. I’ve got proof from your teachers and doctors that they are working. Now, we have to decide which of these side effects are ones that you can live with. If it was up to me I wouldn’t have you live with any side effects. But, unfortunately, the medicines that work the best for you also come with some side effect to them.

Focalin makes you over-emotional and weepy to the point of you dropping to the floor in a heap of sobs. I’d rather not see that happen again. Brian calls it the “Mary Tyler Moore” syndrome, which made me laugh. You really collapsed into a heap of dramatic emotional weeping that it was almost funny if it wasn’t so sad.  Ritalin LA works great on the ADHD but you have the appetite of a Hummingbird. Metedate CD also worked great but you got that crazy rash (but maybe that wasn’t from the medicine). And then there was the Daytrana patch, which like a band aid you just couldn’t stop picking at and ripping the thing of the first chance you got. You couldn’t swallow the Concerta, but bravo for giving it a really good try that one time. So we are back to square one: Ritalin LA vs. Metedate. Who will win this showdown of the ADHD drugs? What are the Vegas odds? If it’s Ritalin than I will force feed you milkshakes if I have to, you will NOT lose weight on my watch. And if it’s Metedate and the crazy rash comes back than we’ll deal with it.

I guess I just want you to know that you, your future, your health and happiness are on my mind ALWAYS. That making these decisions is SO HARD to do. That I lie awake at night thinking of ways I can make it easier on you, ways I can help you learn your letters and get along socially with your friends. That I make lists and lists of things to do to make you happy, and that my pride for you is overwhelming. I couldn’t ask for a better son, and I’d do all this work over again 100 times if it would help you become the man I know you can be. You have my heart now and always. And with us working together, there is no way “Mr. Jumpy” is going to win this one. He doesn’t have a chance.

Keep up the great work, Baby. I love you,

Mommy

 

On Our Way On The Overstimulation Super Highway! Whose more anxious, Max or Me? January 16, 2010

Filed under: ADHD Facts & Opinions,Love,Mad Max Stories,Mad Mindy Stories,Occupational Therapy,Spirit,Welcome! — Mindy Hester @ 9:04 am
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We’ve got a free day from school this weekend so we are taking to the road (well, actually just about 25 minutes up the road) to the colorful, crowded and semi-annoying Key Lime Cove Water Park in Gurnee. We’ve given this one a try before about a year ago. My parents took Max and me for the weekend, a much needed weekend. Before the car was packed the anxiety had already begun. Not Max……Me. The questions were streaming through my mind: “How will he act? Will he do that screaming thing? Will he stay at my side or run away and get lost in the crowd? Will he do that thing were he runs into the walls and hit’s himself in the face? “. This happens every time we go somewhere. I feel anxious, nervous and my palms sweat.  Especially to someones  home. We often have play dates and dinners over at our dear friends and neighbors house and I feel my shoulders start to rise and stay hunched up near my ears as we walk to their house. The entire time we are there I am on edge, watching his every his every move, using the phrase “No, Max” over and over it becomes so redundant. This phenomenal friend of mine also is raising a child with sensory needs and always seems so cool, she’s always telling me not to worry even though last year Max knocked down and broke part of a treasured collection of hers she didn’t even break a sweat. She’s a wonder and I don’t know how she does it. Maybe she will grace us with some words of wisdom.

So we are off. Car is packed, Books, DVD’s, Lego’s are packed. Squeezing toys, tug of war rope, tight feety pajama’s and heavy blankets are in the car, ready to help when we need a sensory break. BTW: Sometimes Max takes sensory breaks by doing wall push ups and jumping jacks when he gets too “Mr. Jumpy” (our code word for the ADHD), and it’s been working well. Wish us lock. Have a great weekend everyone!

One more thing:  I just got a note on Facebook from a friend which says the following, please pass it on and never forget it:

Sometimes you just need to hear it… You are a phenomenal woman, a beautiful mother, doing an extraordinary job, making things happen for those you love, and although you might not always think about it, you are loved and appreciated!

Love,

Mindy & Max

 

Welcome To Mindy & Max’s Life Blog January 14, 2010

Filed under: ADHD Facts & Opinions,Mad Max Stories,Uncategorized,Welcome! — Mindy Hester @ 10:33 am
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My son Max, 5 years old.

Hello Everyone! Thanks for coming. Now, let me tell you a little bit about myself and why I wanted to start this blog:

My name is Mindy Hester. I am a 40-year-old single mother from Chicago. I have a beautiful and amazing 5-year-old son named Max who struggles with ADHD as well as some speech issues. Let’s just be frank about this…there is no Father in the picture. And I am Mommy & Daddy, I have been since the day he was born. Oh, my ex-husband has called a few times…but that’s a whole different show. I am a professional kid’s musician and have my band, Mindy Hester & The Time Out’s, and love what I do..performing and teaching music.

So, why the blog? Well, I live in the kind of town where a single mom still gets whispered behind her back. And most of my friends are married and have plenty of support at home. I am flying high here and I just wanted a place for women/men like me to be able to go to and help each other with this “Hardest Job In The World”. We may not have a support system sleeping next to us at night (well, my 5-year-old sometimes) but I thought that maybe we all have something to teach each other. So tell me your story, deal?

 

 
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