Three of my closest friends are in three of the most unhappy marriages I have ever seen. I wonder why they stay, Yes, I think about the “kids” but I also think about three beautiful, intelligent and unique people that I love who are choking in product placement.
I don’t think I was ready the first time to get married. I am not sure I even am now. It’s an invitation to a party I don’t wish to go to. Maybe I never will. Doesn’t mean I can’t love. Doesn’t mean I don’t love.
06 First Day Of My Life06 First Day Of My Life
An amazing thing happened to me a few days ago. For those of you who have followed my blog, life and story you know that I am adopted. I have written about my search, my seemingly endless search to find my answers. Well, I found them. I found him. I found my brother, not just a 1/2 brother, but a full brother who was very suprised to hear from me. He did not know he had a sister, he wasn’t told the truth growing up and now that the truth is out there I am hoping that EVERYONE can heal. EVERYONE.
His name is Chris. He’s brilliant, kind, loving and I can’t wait to meet him. He is coming to Chicago on Tuesday, and although I am nervous and apprehensive, I know that I have a friend now for life. There can be nothing bad about this, only good things grow from such mysteries and fate brings certain people into your lives when you need them the most. This is fate. This is The Force at work. This is so strange, and beautiful and terrifying all at the same time. But, I welcome it. My family welcomes him. And, if I am Princess Leia than he is my Luke. Now, together again, we can fight the Dark Side and kick some freakin Star Wars ASS. We have a lot to learn about each other, and I am excited for it all. Thank you, Universe, for the opportunity to know and love another of your amazing creations. Thanks you, Fate, for bringing us together again. It’s about time. 06 First Day Of My Life06 First Day Of My Life
Fireworks, 2010
Max, you were right about the stars. Each one is a setting sun.
(more…)
RIP Thomas The Tank Engine
So, I start to dig the hole and he goes into the house to get this special “thing” that he needs to “let go”. (Sorry for all the quotation marks) It’s hot, I dig, I don’t mind because I am thinking to myself that this is gonna be good. Real good.
He walk out carrying his Thomas The Tank Engine original train, cradling it like it had accidentally drown in the tub and he was in shock at what he beheld. He was so tender and gentle, he laid Thomas down in the hole I had dug and quietly asked me to fill it in. I did, as he stood by and watched in silence. When Thomas was good and buried I said “Max, tell Mommy why you wanted to…” ….only to be interrupted by him as he shuushed me. He said “Mom, there is something I’d like to say. Thomas, Thank you for being my friend and playing with me for so many years. But, I am a big boy now, and it’s time that we say goodbye. So goodbye. Now I am going to play with Star Wars Jedi’s and that’s what big boys do. I will miss you.” I am speechless and wishing that I had a video camera on me at ALL TIMES, because this kid does some wild shit. He said “Mommy, would you like to say a few words?”. Can you believe this shit! So, I say” Thomas, thanks for making my boy so happy. But, I guess he’s growing up now and it’s time to move on. Rest in peace, and thanks for the memories”. Max put a flower on Thomas’ “grave” and declared himself a BIG BOY.
I told the BIG BOY that now that things are different and he has buried his “Baby-dom”, he needs to step up to the plate around the house. First thing on the list? Go take out the garbage.
Growing up, what a trip.
Max wrote a story for a Young Author’s competition being held at school. The instructions said that I should type the story word for word as he told it to me, which I did. This is his story:
Once upon a time God was just hanging around up in the sky. That’s where he lives, way high up in the sky past the birds and everything. He didn’t have anything to do that day and he was bored. He heard a big noise that went like “BOOM”. It scared him. There were space rocks dropping on his home. And God said “I have to make the Sun work”, because nobody was controlling the Sun. Then he had to make the Moon work too. Then he made Earth.
A little boy down on Earth said “Who is God?”. His Mommy said “He’s a powerful man, and he made us and he controls the Sun, the Moon and the Earth. He made all the planets and that’s all I know.” his Mom said. The little boy wanted to know more so he asked his Dad. His Dad said “He’s a powerful man, he’s very strong and he made us and every planet in the whole system in outer space and that’s all I know.” The little boy wanted to know more so he went to his cousin’s house and he asked one of his cousins “Do you know who God is?”. His cousin said “No, I don’t know anything about God. Go ask Grandpa.”.
So the little boy went to see his Grandpa, he called his Mom to drive him there. He asked his Grandpa the same question and his Grandpa said “I only know one answer to that question. And here it is. He lives in you”. And the Grandpa pointed to the little boys heart and said “God may live up in the sky, but he’s always in you too. Right here.”
The little boy went home that night and looked outside his window and he noticed the stars and one was shaped like a heart and God was holding it out to him. So, he went to sleep holding his heart-shaped star.
Up in the sky God said “Goodnight, to everybody in the world.”
by Max Jacobs
Weeks ago I made some kind of half-ass “promise” to try to write something new on this blog everyday. This idea immediately shattered when I encountered writers block, or the “nothing new to say” defense. Things with Max were going well. We are back on Focalin (for frequent readers Focalin turned my son into a 5-year-old version of Norma Desmond in Sunset Boulevard), but we figured to give it a chance one more time was worth a shot before switching over to the non-stimulant medications. The dramatic breakdowns and over the top emotional events are few and far between and he is both eating and sleeping (with a little help from our pal Melatonin). His mood is even and happy, he is getting along with his friends and getting great comments from school. Things are good. Things are balanced. And , in my opinion, that makes for some damn boring blogging. I mean, I have been meaning to write. It’s not like NOTHING is going on. Max and I had a very important out-of-town guest, I got fungal pneumonia, I bought 2 new pair of shoes at DSW and started using the WEN Haircare System (you know, that infomercial). My car, a Lexus made by Toyota, was recalled and had to be taken in, My amazing son passed his first Tae Kwon Do Testing and is now a yellow belt (video and pics in tomorrow’s post) and got 2 new Guppies to add to the brood. I guess you could say I DID have stuff to write about, i just thought no one would be very interested in reading it.
But, this morning that all changed when I logged on to FUCKING Facebook to discover yet again through this social media juggernaut that a close friend who has touched my life has passed away. This is the second time in just a matter of months that Facebook has delivered this news to me. It’s so sad and impersonal. Almost like reading about your deepest darkest secret on a billboard. I was equally angry and heartbroken at the same time. I equally loathed Facebook for turning us all into “status updates” and occasional “news posts” while at the same time I thanked it for bringing me back together with friends I wouldn’t have been able to find without it. My friend, my sweet kind and dear friend David died and I am numb. He was always like a little boy, fighting a great big dragon with a rubber sword. And this time he lost. And goddamn did he put up a good fight. But “a Dragon lives forever, but not so little boys. And painted wings and flying rings make way for other joys.” I knew I could have gone without the Puff The Magic Dragon reference, but I’m in a childlike and nostalgic place tonight. Rest in peace my friend. Save me a seat at the bar.
Each year brings us new opportunities to strengthen our connection to the universe,
and to each other,
and to play our part in this miracle we call life.
Tonight I celebrate you, and all you bring to the world.
Goodnight.
In honor of this great day filled with love, like and crush, I feel it only right to tell my Valentine, my younger one,the marvelous gems he has bestowed on me since we met on that crazy-ass day 5 1/2 years ago. That day my life changed forever. So did his. So in honor of Max and his wild, vast and fantastical mind I bring you this list Top 20 Things Mas Has Taught Me In The Last 5 years:
1. That it’s okay to be different. And in some situations “different” is much more cool. Like with Kooky Pens. The kid who has the one no one has is the coolest. Even though it’s only a pen, Mom.
2. That everyone deserves a second chance, no matter what the story. Except for people who kill other people on purpose. They lose their turn.
3. That wearing clothes backwards is uncomfortable but it makes me happy.
4. . That the reason Obi Won Kenobi is such a good negotiator is because he always keeps his cool. A Jedi NEVER loses his cool.
5. That AT&T has the fastest 3G Network.
6. That you should always go to Costco on an empty stomach.
7. That you could save a lot of money if you switched to Geico (I have since started to limit the amount of TV since then)
8. That John Bonham is the best rock Drummer of all time.
9. That not taking a bath every night isn’t going to kill him.
10. That after months of listening to him hum the Darth Vader theme song over & over & over….,that he’d be right. I would get used to it.
And one more thing he taught me. Not in these exact words, but I think I knew what he was trying to say:
“And in the end..the love you take, is equal to the love you make.”
Happy Valentine’s Day to everyone I love and everyone I like and everyone I crush on. Be good. Go hug a stranger.
Mindy Sue Hester
A dear old friend from college (The terribly talented and smart as hell Matt Champagne, who happens to be showcasing for the Montreal Comedy Festival. Thursday February 18, 2010 at Bar Lubitsch (7702 Santa Monica Boulevard, West Hollywood, CA 90046) @ 8:30 pm. Do check it. I’m just saying.) , well my old friend once told me (actually it was Tuesday that he told me…) he told me that years ago he made a pact with himself while he was a regular on MySpace to write at least 300 words a day. For an entire year. He said it was a challenge he gave himself, and he did it. He wrote 300 words on that web page everyday for a year. Amazing.
For him. But there is no way I have that kind of will, nor tub of knowledge and experience to dip into when my cup is dry and, especially, any semblance of recall to remember to write the damn thing everyday in the first place. So, hats off to Matt Champagne ( www.remainchampagne.com). He made a pact, he kept it, he created something that wasn’t there before he put pen to paper. I admire him, not only as a super-talented actor and comedian, but as the best guy to get to have my first exciting yet awkward “first kiss on stage” with.
So, I have decided to make a pact to try to post everyday. Not 300 words, mind you. And, don’t harp on me and get all high and mighty if a few posts are kinda lame (you know, I throw up a cute photos of Max and some stupid You Tube video. We all have our lost days). But, know that I am working on it. I will try, because this weird bloggish-diary-mirror into my life has worked. I feel less edgy in the morning before coffee, more open to answering a phone call that says “ACS REcovery Service”, and I even accepted a gift. Yes. A gift out of nowhere. With only the best of intentions.
I am not very good at taking gifts, being the source of pity, accepting compliments, eating leftovers or blind dates. But, A woman, a friend and fellow Mom did something so nice for me today that I almost went into a sort of shock. This doesn’t happen to me, because of course I don’t ever let it happen. But, she was kind, sincere and was doing this “Mitzvah” for me ( to the goys: A Mitzvah is a good deed, going out of your way to help a fellow human being,and, no, not just help other Jews) She was doing this because she cared about me, she said she “Wanted” to do it, and to please let her do it. It was a first. It may have taken almost 10 min., but in the end I said “Thank you, I will accept your gift. Thank you.” Hardest two words to say in the English language; “Help Me”. I am so terrible at this. And it is something I need to learn to do, ask for help…accept help, if I am to do the best for Max. I shoveled my drive tonight 3 times by hand and refused neighbors offers to help. I spend the entire day before my cleaning lady comes, doing what? Yeah, cleaning. I will put a post it up on my bathroom mirror that says “Help Me” and my parents will put me away for good this time.
It’s time to let go a little. Stop holding on to all this shit, this shit ain’t got handles and I’m tired of holding on. I am. So….It’s 2:30 am, but we got the call from school. SNOW Day Tomorrow!!!!
Thanks for listening to my rants tonight. Go tell someone you love them. (…and Thank you, Matt, for your inspiration. Tomorrow I am going to just post an old commercial of yours. I’ll call your people).
This amazing photograph by M. Berna caught my eye and it tells my story.
I owe it all to you guys, all 1,000 of you who since it’s start 2 weeks ago have read the continuing story of Max and me. Thank you, from the bottom of my soul for your support and love. You see, I need you to keep on reading, because I NEED to keep on writing. It’s keeping me sane, reminding me of things that i should never forget and, most importantly, it’s helping me to be a better Mother.
I know that this isn’t an Oscar acceptance speech, but I do feel the need to show some gratitude to some Mothers who have taught me how to do the job. I have learned the following things from the following Mom’s:
1. Marcy has taught me that there are ALWAYS enough hours in the day to do everything and that if you set your mind to it, you can carry out it all. Your energy astounds me.
2. My Mom has taught me how magical unconditional love is, and how to be a true friend.
3. Diana, you and Rick prove to me that true love does exist and that fills me with hope.
4. Deidre, you amaze me with your dedication, devotion and love for your “only child”, like me too! I am honored to be your friend.
5. Lyssa, although we are just getting to know each other, your easy-going approach to things I would normally freak out about constantly remind me to get a fucking grip. Thanks for the mellow.
6. Kimberley proves that Motherhood under pressure isn’t miserable, and the light outshines the good.
7. The following chicks also inspire me to greatness: Alyssa S. Lana T, Karen Silver & Susie Severin, HB Johnson, Lori Hemesath, Jennifer Hester, Jen Thomas, Samantha Provenzano, Dana Abt, Gabby Rossi, Lisa Rockwell, Amy Udani, Chez Mohler, Emily Nadeau, Heidi Neurateur and Amy Jacobs. You are all Mom’s that rock. Keep it up.
Last but not least, a little tale. 40 (cough, cough) years ago a single, scared and pregnant 18-year-old girl decided that I deserved a better life than the one she could give me. She did something that had to have been so heart wrenching, brave and painful but she went through with it. My birth mother put me up for adoption because she loved me too much to keep me. She knew she wasn’t up for the job and that I would suffer for it.
I have always known that I was adopted, it’s just something that I have always knew and understood as the gift it is. I was never treated differently from my brother and sister who weren’t adopted, never given special advantages and pitied. But, deep down in my heart of hearts I did feel different, I felt special. I felt chosen. And I felt, and still do, like the luckiest girl in the world.
In fourth grade a neighbor started pestering me about being adopted. She asked me if I felt bad that my Mom and Dad weren’t my “real” Mom and Dad. It upset me pretty bad and I ran home crying, not understanding. Because to me, I only have 1 set of parents. I still do. Well, my Mom took me in her arms and held me and said “there is something I want to show you”. She pulled out a yellowed and tattered newspaper clipping from just weeks after I was born. It was a excerpt from an old Dear Abby issue about adoption and ended with the following poem that has stayed inside me my whole life. Parenting has nothing to do with epidurals, diapers and car seats. That’s called pregnancy & babysitting This is true love, from one mother to her adopted daughter.
Not flesh of my flesh
Nor bone of my bone,
But still miraculously you are my own.
Never forget for a single minute,
You didn’t grow under my heart,
But in it.
Love,
Mindy
Photo courtesy of M. Berna at http://digitalshootingdotnet.wordpress.com/
Parenting is hard, and it can be terrifying. It is such an important job that it can be overwhelming and force you to run away with the sheer fear of the task at hand. But, I talked to an old friend tonight who needs a helping hand, a kick in the ass…whatever, to fucking snap out of it. Because this kid needs you.
In the end, one could talk for hours about the relationship between a father and a son. The only clear thing is that a father has to be willing to be spat upon by his son as many times as the son wishes to do it. Even still the father will not have paid a tenth of what he owes because the son never asked to be born. If you brought him into this world, the least you can do is put up with whatever insult he wants to offer. But this kid offers no insult, no bad feelings…only wants to know you. Only wants you to want to know him.
“Love without courage and wisdom is sentimentality, as with an ordinary church member. Courage without love and wisdom is foolhardiness, as with the ordinary soldier. Wisdom without love and courage is cowardice, as with the ordinary intellectual. But the one who has love, courage and wisdom moves the world.”
- Ammon Hennacy (Catholic activist, 1893-1970
Have the courage, friend. He needs you now so enough wasting time, enough excuses. Let me know how I can help.
Mindy Hester
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