So, as most of you know by now I met my brother Chris a few weeks ago and it was fascinating and fun and amazing and I loved it! We just kind of hung out, talked a LOT, spent time with Max and my family (who loved him) and got to know each other. It was like coming home. He is a brilliant PhD, and author, writer, Heavy Metal enthusiast who brought me a piece of his wedding Kilt and taught me the art of Scotch. He’s unique, except that he is so much like me that it’s scary.

Chris is writing a book, titled “Darwinian Dating”, about finding your perfect mate using the laws of evolution, or really more like what men and woman are looking for down to their base human core. He’s got a blog and I want everyone to log in at least once. It’s www.darwiniandating.blogspot.com. The book is ready to be published but the publisher wants to see more hits to the blog, and to his fan page on Facebook. No one deserves this more than him, so help me get those numbers up. Tell your friends, tell your spouse, tell your mailman! Tell anyone who you know that could use a little up-front and honest advice about the opposite sex. Tell that friend of yours who keeps sitting by the phone waiting for that one guy she met at Starbucks 3 weeks ago to call her, or the guy you know from work who asks you out over and over and over. Hell, email every single one of your past romances and tell them that if they are still holding on…Chris can help them cut the cord. I love my brother and I want to see this happen for him. So….GO. NOW! Use the link, join the Darwinian Dating page on Facebook. Make me happy.

I don’t think I was ready the first time to get married. I am not sure I even am now. It’s an invitation to a party I don’t wish to go to. Maybe I never will. Doesn’t mean I can’t love. Doesn’t mean I don’t love.

His name is Chris. He’s brilliant, kind, loving and I can’t wait to meet him. He is coming to Chicago on Tuesday, and although I am nervous and apprehensive, I know that I have a friend now for life. There can be nothing bad about this, only good things grow from such mysteries and fate brings certain people into your lives when you need them the most. This is fate. This is The Force at work. This is so strange, and beautiful and terrifying all at the same time. But, I welcome it. My family welcomes him. And, if I am Princess Leia than he is my Luke. Now, together again, we can fight the Dark Side and kick some freakin Star Wars ASS. We have a lot to learn about each other, and I am excited for it all. Thank you, Universe, for the opportunity to know and love another of your amazing creations. Thanks you, Fate, for bringing us together again. It’s about time. 06 First Day Of My Life06 First Day Of My Life

Fireworks, 2010

Max, you were right about the stars. Each one is a setting sun.

My sweet, kind, loving little man. I want him back.

1. I hate you, Mommy!
2. I wish you would go to the hospital and DIE!
3. You are the stupidest Mom, EVER!
4. I hate this house!
5. I hate my life, it is the worst life anyone could ever have, I wish I wasn’t alive.
6. I can’t do it, I can’t do anything right, I am so stupid!
7. I have no friends, nobody wants to be my friend.
8. I HATE YOU MOMMY!!! (add kick, bite, spit and hit)
9. I have the stupidest most boring life ever.
10. I am so sad….Mommy, why am I always so sad?

These past 2 1/2 weeks have been a nightmare, a sad and terrifying B-movie where some very angry and frustrated alien being has taken over my son’s body and mind. I want to help my son so badly, there is nothing I wouldn’t try. So when his doctor suggested a non-stimulant, I said let’s give it a go. I thought to myself that if we can aliviate his ADHD symptoms, help him bear some of his Sensory Processing “quirks” and get him to eat and sleep WITHOUT having to take Speed everyday, then I’m in.

Reality Check: This round of medication has been the worst yet. The side effects are horrifying. I have cried, screamed, laughed and at times felt so overloaded with emotion I felt like a crashed computer. Thank you to my close friends and family who have seen us through this. This “experiment” with the non-stimulant ADHD drug Strattera is OVER. Bring back the crack! I want my son back.

From the Official Strattera Website www.strattera.com:

” In some children and teens, Strattera increases the risk of suicidal thoughts. A combined analysis of 12 studies of Strattera showed that in children and teens, 4 out of every 1000 patients developed suicidal thoughts, although no suicides occurred. A similar analysis in adults treated with Strattera did not reveal an increased risk of suicidal thoughts. Call your doctor right away if your child has thoughts of suicide or sudden changes in mood or behavior, especially at the beginning of treatment or after a change in dose. Tell your doctor about any family history of bipolar illness (manic-depressive illness) or suicidal thoughts or actions before starting Strattera. Call the doctor right away if your child develops new psychological symptoms such as abnormal thoughts/behaviors and/or extreme elevated or irritable moods while taking Strattera.

Oh, and P.S……..it doesn’t work.

RIP Thomas The Tank Engine

So, I start to dig the hole and he goes into the house to get this special “thing” that he needs to “let go”. (Sorry for all the quotation marks) It’s hot, I dig, I don’t mind because I am thinking to myself that this is gonna be good. Real good.

He walk out carrying his Thomas The Tank Engine original train, cradling it like it had accidentally drown in the tub and he was in shock at what he beheld. He was so tender and gentle, he laid Thomas down in the hole I had dug and quietly asked me to fill it in. I did, as he stood by and watched in silence. When Thomas was good and buried I said “Max, tell Mommy why you wanted to…” ….only to be interrupted by him as he shuushed me. He said “Mom, there is something I’d like to say. Thomas, Thank you for being my friend and playing with me for so many years. But, I am a big boy now, and it’s time that we say goodbye. So goodbye. Now I am going to play with Star Wars Jedi’s and that’s what big boys do. I will miss you.” I am speechless and wishing that I had a video camera on me at ALL TIMES, because this kid does some wild shit. He said “Mommy, would you like to say a few words?”. Can you believe this shit! So, I say” Thomas, thanks for making my boy so happy. But, I guess he’s growing up now and it’s time to move on. Rest in peace, and thanks for the memories”. Max put a flower on Thomas’ “grave” and declared himself a BIG BOY.

I told the BIG BOY that now that things are different and he has buried his “Baby-dom”, he needs to step up to the plate around the house. First thing on the list? Go take out the garbage.

Growing up, what a trip.

The Tank Of Death analogy is about me. I have a hobby keeping guppies, and I won this great new tank at my favorite fish store, Fish Planet in Deerfield. I set it up, let it cycle (fish talk for “let it settle”) and added some fish which immediately died. This goes on for weeks, I add fish, they die, I go see Steve at Fish Planet, he gives me some magic potion which I use, fish still die, I get new fish, they die…….you see where this is going. It was The Tank Of Death. I tried everything, but still it killed all who touched it’s waters. Meanwhile, I don’t notice that between all this stress with Max, work, money…yada yada…I have retreated into myself again and have stopped talking. Not your normal everyday talking, but really “talking” to anyone. The wall was up, it was keeping me propped up against it and as long as I stayed upright and breathing I was going to be okay. But, I wasn’t okay. The stress of my life was getting to me and turning me toxic. My thoughts were becoming toxic. I started to yell. I hate to yell. I hated what I felt like.

Steve at Fish Planet finally gave me the plan to cleanse the Tank Of Death once and for all. Take out all living items, Add 1/2 cup of pure bleach, let it filter overnight, add a dechlorinate and that should rid the tank of what was making it so toxic. I did it. I added the bleach, I let it run for 24 hours and when the time was up my TOD (Tank of Death) had blossomed into a TOL (Tank of Life). It now thrives. And, in the process of ridding evil from my tank I decided that it was time to rid it from me. I decided to meditate on something the Buddha had once said ..

“The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn the past, worry about the future or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly”

Funny thing, it worked. Take a deep breath, make a decision and then do it. An attitude adjustment doesn’t require bleach or chemicals, just kind, positive thoughts. And hope. A full cup of hope.

Just not tonight.

Time for bed.

And..it’s good to be back.

Once upon a time God was just hanging around up in the sky. That’s where he lives, way high up in the sky past the birds and everything. He didn’t have anything to do that day and he was bored. He heard a big noise that went like “BOOM”. It scared him. There were space rocks dropping on his home. And God said “I have to make the Sun work”, because nobody was controlling the Sun. Then he had to make the Moon work too. Then he made Earth.

A little boy down on Earth said “Who is God?”. His Mommy said “He’s a powerful man, and he made us and he controls the Sun, the Moon and the Earth. He made all the planets and that’s all I know.” his Mom said. The little boy wanted to know more so he asked his Dad. His Dad said “He’s a powerful man, he’s very strong and he made us and every planet in the whole system in outer space and that’s all I know.” The little boy wanted to know more so he went to his cousin’s house and he asked one of his cousins “Do you know who God is?”. His cousin said “No, I don’t know anything about God. Go ask Grandpa.”.

So the little boy went to see his Grandpa, he called his Mom to drive him there. He asked his Grandpa the same question and his Grandpa said “I only know one answer to that question. And here it is. He lives in you”. And the Grandpa pointed to the little boys heart and said “God may live up in the sky, but he’s always in you too. Right here.”

The little boy went home that night and looked outside his window and he noticed the stars and one was shaped like a heart and God was holding it out to him. So, he went to sleep holding his heart-shaped star.

Up in the sky God said “Goodnight, to everybody in the world.”

by Max Jacobs

So news of a murdered fish may sound a bit trite to you right now,but that is what I have come to report. I saw it happen with my own eyes and am wondering now what I could have done to prevent this bloodshed. As I sat in the early morning hours, the eerie glow of my computer screen the only illumination in the room, I glanced at the large tank beside me holding my adult fancy guppies. It’s a 20 gallon tank and has got 10 fish. But normally in the early morning I can peek in and they are all asleep. Yes, fish sleep. They hang out around the bottom real still like and sleep. If you turn the light on they wake up, all “Hey, what’s going on! Man, I was sleeping. Whatever” like and get on with their day. But when I glanced over this morning there was serious action going on down at the bottom. There was a pile up going on, there was a rumble. It was 9 against one and it looked like a clip you’d see during Shark Week of a feeding frenzy. 9 of these fancy little pretty fish were going at this one on the bottom, knocking their bodies into him and throwing him against the glass. It was brutal to watch, I was just sitting there stunned and unable to fully process what I was seeing be it that I hadn’t had my coffee yet. The pummeling lasted about 3 minutes, I tried to intervene with the net but the tank is huge and deep and before you know it the poor little guy is floating peacefully to the bottom, sleeping the sleep of the fishes. (Sorry about that last line. I know it was a lame, cheap joke but what am I if not lame and cheap.)

Guppy owners! What just happened? What prompted this social unrest? Did the fish get a little too big for his britches and the gang decided to take him out? Was it just “his time” and they were doing the kindness of a euthanasia-type beating? Was it a Guppy Mosh Pit gone out of control? If anyone knows what happened to my poor little Purple Dragon Male Guppy this morning ,please explain it to me. I feel like I need to call the Guppy UN for a mediation. Comments, questions and outrage is most welcomed.

And to those readers who follow my blog, I have news. Sticking with the concept of bully and victim, my son and his “bully” at school have been getting along better. There have been no incidents and I thought things were on the up and up. The kid just sent out invitations for his birthday party and included all the kids in the class EXCEPT for Max. Max doesn’t know this, but I do. I guess it’s his party and he’s got a right to invite or not to invite whoever he wants, I just hope my little man doesn’t find out he wasn’t included. He was under the impression that he and this boy were starting to become friends. Maybe that’s what the little male guppy thought too as his tank mates beat him to death.

Sometimes we have no idea what’s really going on until we end up floating to the bottom of the tank.

Last night I finished teaching, made myself some dinner and sat down in front of the TV (something I rarely do lately) and found myself watching American Idol (something I NEVER do). Sure, I watched the first few seasons but when they crowned Carrie Underwood an American Idol I lost my stamina. I gave up and stopped caring.It’s a popularity contest, not a talent contest. But, last night they were doing the songs of Lennon and McCartney so I decided to hang around and watch some 20 something “musicians” butcher some of the greatest songs ever written. Which they did. I hope Paul wasn’t watching.The kid at the end singing “Hey Jude” made my stomach turn. But, I regress. That is not why I am writing this post.

I am writing because the gloriously, perfectly alien-like Ryan Seacrest announces at the end of the show that they are looking for the first ever “American Idol Mom”. All I heard was you got to be over 21 and you have to be a Mom so I stood and proclaimed “That’s Me!” at the top of my lungs. Visions of Hollywood danced through my head as I milled over what I would sing for my audition. Should I do something current and poppy like an acoustic “Bad Romance” by Lady Gaga? Or should I stick with my roots and pull out a mean “Bobby McGee”? They mentioned a website, I must go on that website and get this ball rolling. My public needs me, they are aching for me.

Reality is never as sexy as fantasy.

It’s a fucking SWEEPSTAKE! Yeah, joke is on me. Whatever. I got over it quickly, truthfully I don’t think the world is ready for my brand of genius. But, I kept reading. To enter this contest you have to write an essay of 300 words or less about why you deserve to be the Idol Mom, all the great things you’ve done, the demands of raising a child, the hardships and mountains you have climbed to get to the place you are now…blah, blah, blah. This is the kind of essay that someone else writes ABOUT you, not that you write by yourself and for yourself. If you write it yourself you may quickly fall into the “Look How Great I Am”, “I Have Been Through Hell And Back And Come Out The Other Side” kind of “Toot Toot (my own horn)” essay. But, being the fledgling writer that I am I decided to take on the challenge and give it a shot. These people need to be convinced that I deserve the free make-over and 2 tickets to the American Idol Finale in LA. I had to make my story sound desperate, filled with hardship and spirit. It should appear as a series of emotional and social hurdles that I clawed my way over with my bloodied fingernails. It would be bleak, but still be dotted with moments of hope and bliss that can make you cry and laugh at the same time. It would be brilliant.

I would need to get out the Thesaurus for this one.

And I did. And I thought about my plight to raise this “difficult” amazing kid, my struggles as a single Mom, my financial disparity and overall station in this world. And this is what I came up with. Ready?

I got it pretty good. Actually, I have no complaints, no sob story to tell, no great struggle to describe and begin to tug at the heartstrings of the random people who are “judging” this stupid contest. I realized for the first time in a while that I have got it made, and that despite an occasional gripe or beef, I couldn’t produce the kind of essay that would win this contest. I may need a vacation more than I need coffee in the morning, but there is someone out there whose got it worse. I take a step back and can see that despite the ADHD, despite being malignantly single, despite digging out spare change from the cushions of my couch just to put gas in the car…well, being me is all good. Being Max’s Mom trumps all the bad stuff, and I am truly grateful for what I have. I am a Mom Idol, I am Max’s Mom Idol. And, I know that sounds hokey and cliche but once you realize how important your job is, the sooner your internal volcano sleeps. And when that happens, everything falls into place. I can’t imagine anything better than seeing this boy turn into a man. It’s simple. It’s unconditional love. It’s Motherhood. It’s priceless.

Oh…best of luck to the other “American Idol Mom” contestants. Part of the prize money gets donated to a charity of your choice, $5000 to be exact. I suggest you choose any program that helps keep music in our schools. Let’s get our kids off Guitar Hero and on to playing the real thing. Music inspires, teaches and comforts us. After being Max’s Mom, it’s my next great love.

Goodnight all.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

Thanks to my Dad for his undying common sense.

My #1 Guy.

Oh, baby, I wonder if when you are older, someday.
You’ll wake up, and say “My God!” I should have told her. What would it take.
But, now here I am and the world’s gotten colder.
And she’s got the river, down which I sold her.

Goodnight to all the amazing Mom’s out there, who inspire me to be a better woman, a better person and a better Mom.

We are going to go back to the Daytrana Patch, which is a Ritalin extended release patch. I’ll keep you posted on how it goes. In closing I just have to say this: I was hesitant…WAY scared and hesitant about putting a little 5-year-old boy on this kind of medication. But, by God, it’s working. He is reading. He is doing math. He is looking me in the eye when I talk to him and I can tell that he is “there”. For all the Mom’s and Dad’s out there on the fence about this just remember one thing: We are their lifeline, we are their support. And it is our job to do absolutely EVERYTHING in our power to help them succeed. If your son or daughter couldn’t see you would get them glasses, right?

Thanks for listening. And, a word to the Right Wing Tea-Bagging Health Care Reform Bashing “Americans”…. Stop throwing bricks and leaving threatening messages on the voice mails of members of our government. You try to compare your plight to that of the Civil Rights movement but you have missed a major point. See, those brave souls who fought segregation and racism in the 60′s didn’t hide behind a mask. They were out there, getting arrested, getting attacked by police dogs and in the case of Kent State…losing their lives. You “spitters” and “brick throwers” are just cowards. If it means so much to you….show your face. You advocate pro-life, but threaten the lives of the children of government leaders who support the Health Care Bill. Who is the asshole now?