Mindy and Max's True Life

about coping with ADHD, single motherhood and unconditional love for your child.

Give Birth, Eat A Little Something, Shit… then die. February 7, 2010

Filed under: Funny Shit,Love,Mad Mindy Stories,Spirit,Uncategorized,Welcome! — Mindy Hester @ 11:51 pm
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Over the course of the day (actually more like the course of a week, but I am trying not to sound too pathetic) I have been watching very patiently for my female fancy guppy fish to give birth. I have done this before (geek) so I know what to look for and when to expect on the “Big Day” with all it’s preparations.

So Padme Amadala, my guppies name of course, is showing all the signs so I get her into her little breeder box. If you don’t know what that is it’s a plastic floating tank within the tank that let’s her have her own little place to do her thing, with a slotted middle divider so the kids can fall through after being born and go to their “nursery”. I get her in there, float her away into the tank and start the stare down. I am also really experienced at this part.

Ya, know, I’ve given birth. It’s no walk in the park. So I am seeing this girl spaz out all crazy and stuff, flashing her tail back and forth and I feel for her. I do. I am feeling a connection to this fish through our shared, magical experiences of bringing life into this world. I am routing her on, keeping a positive attitude and wishing I had a big glass of Veuve Cliquot to celebrate this great event, Things were in motion, the first one was coming out, It was so cool….and then it just wasn’t.

Padme’s birth routine is a little different than ours. Over the course of 4 hours I watched her systematically give birth to 17 fry. Each birth was the same. She’s squeeze that pup out, not even 5 seconds later she has turned around and popped the little guy back into her mouth for a little nosh. I mean, she’s been through a lot, she’s got to be famished. She than proceeds to take the longest poop I have ever witnessed a fish poop. This goes on forever. Than about 15 min later, another pup comes out and the entire macabre scene repeats itself. This happens 17 times over the course of the night and it’s exhausting, I’m sure she’s tired too but at least she’s getting some protein. At the end, she slowly starts to float tail-up towards the surface of the water, gulps a few times and dies.

Motherhood. Pregnancy is the easy part. This fish didn’t stick around for the wonder years but I got the feeling by her actions tonight that she might not have been Mother Of The Year. But, she was being true to herself and sometimes busy Mom’s find that really hard to do. She knew what she wanted. This was her last supper, her big farewell tour here on earth and she just wanted a party. A couple drinks, some great food, relax on the can for God knows how long, then float up to space like David Bowie and dream the big sleep. I am sure she died a happy fish. Well, at least she had eaten a little something.

I liked my way better. With tears, and laughter and family and friends surrounding my beautiful new boy who I had no intention of eating. I could never be a fish and do what she did. I mean it. I am telling you, that poop lasted FOREVER.

Eat your fiber,
Mindy

 

1,000 Views & Love Is In The Air February 6, 2010

Filed under: Love,Mad Mindy Stories,Spirit — Mindy Hester @ 1:35 am
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This amazing photograph by M. Berna caught my eye and it tells my story.

I owe it all to you guys, all 1,000 of you who since it’s start 2 weeks ago have read the continuing story of Max and me. Thank you, from the bottom of my soul for your support and love. You see, I need you to keep on reading, because I NEED to keep on writing. It’s keeping me sane, reminding me of things that i should never forget and, most importantly, it’s helping me to be a better Mother.

I know that this isn’t an Oscar acceptance speech, but I do feel the need to show some gratitude to some Mothers who have taught me how to do the job. I have learned the following things from the following Mom’s:

1. Marcy has taught me that there are ALWAYS enough hours in the day to do everything and that if you set your mind to it, you can carry out it all. Your energy astounds me.

2. My Mom has taught me how magical unconditional love is, and how to be a true friend.

3. Diana, you and Rick prove to me that true love does exist and that fills me with hope.

4. Deidre, you amaze me with your dedication, devotion and love for your “only child”, like me too! I am honored to be your friend.

5. Lyssa, although we are just getting to know each other, your easy-going approach to things I would normally freak out about constantly remind me to get a fucking grip. Thanks for the mellow.

6. Kimberley proves that Motherhood under pressure isn’t miserable, and the light outshines the good.

7. The following chicks also inspire me to greatness: Alyssa S. Lana T, Karen Silver & Susie Severin, HB Johnson, Lori Hemesath, Jennifer Hester, Jen Thomas, Samantha Provenzano, Dana Abt, Gabby Rossi, Lisa Rockwell, Amy Udani, Chez Mohler, Emily Nadeau,  Heidi Neurateur and Amy Jacobs. You are all Mom’s that rock. Keep it up.

Last but not least, a little tale. 40 (cough, cough) years ago a single, scared and pregnant 18-year-old girl decided that I deserved a better life than the one she could give me. She did something that had to have been so heart wrenching, brave and painful but she went through with it. My birth mother put me up for adoption because she loved me too much to keep me. She knew she wasn’t up for the job and that I would suffer for it.

I have always known that I was adopted, it’s just something that I have always knew and understood as the gift it is. I was never treated differently from my brother and sister who weren’t adopted, never given special advantages and pitied. But, deep down in my heart of hearts I did feel different, I felt special. I felt chosen. And I felt, and still do, like the luckiest girl in the world.

In fourth grade a neighbor started pestering me about being adopted. She asked me if I felt bad that my Mom and Dad weren’t my “real” Mom and Dad. It upset me pretty bad and I ran home crying, not understanding. Because to me, I only have 1 set of parents. I still do. Well, my Mom took me in her arms and held me and said “there is something I want to show you”. She pulled out a yellowed and tattered newspaper clipping from just weeks after I was born. It was a excerpt from an old Dear Abby issue about adoption and ended with the following poem that has stayed inside me my whole life. Parenting has nothing to do with epidurals, diapers and car seats. That’s called pregnancy & babysitting This is true love, from one mother to her adopted daughter.

Not flesh of my flesh

Nor bone of my bone,

But still miraculously you are my own.

Never forget for a single minute,

You didn’t grow under my heart,

But in it.

Love,

Mindy

Photo courtesy of M. Berna at http://digitalshootingdotnet.wordpress.com/

 

Note To Self: Jan. 23, 2010 January 23, 2010

Filed under: Love,Mad Max Stories,Mad Mindy Stories,Spirit — Mindy Hester @ 4:08 pm
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Mindy,

Hi. I Wanted to remind you of the following things. Don’t forget them. I emailed them to you so that you’d have them written down because I know you and your forgetfulness.  I also know you and your many “To Do Lists” that never get “To-Do’d” but that’s a whole different show. So, here we go.

Don’t forget:

1. Your child is unable, not unwilling to do some of the things you ask of him. So, take a deep breath and try not to get so frustrated.

2. Your child has courage.

3. And, yes, you have courage.

4. Your child can’t do this alone, so turn off the computer, cell phone, TV…whatever. Go find out what he’s doing. No, seriously. Go find out what he’s doing because I hear an odd sound coming from the next room.

5. Your child is brave and not a coward.

6. Your child is not lazy, in fact he uses enormous energy just to get through the day.

7. Your child has a tender heart, you know that within his sometimes aggressive heart beats your baby boy.

8. Your child has many abilities and is smarter than he thinks.

9. Your child has a special need for love and your attention and you’ve got to give it to him, when he needs it. Even if it gets in your way.

10. Look deep within yourself and find patience. I swear it’s in there, you’ve just got to dig around a little.

11. Trust you instincts.  No one knows your child better than you.

12. Prepare to feel guilty about the amount of time you are going to spend helping your child compared to time with other family & friends. Then get over it and get on with the job.

13. Don’t freaking fall apart. Take some time for yourself every once and a while to re-group and re-charge. But, don’t go shopping because we totally can’t afford it. (example: Sundance Catalog purchase last week online for undisclosed amount)

AND….

14.  You need to re-direct your thinking.

15. You need to re-direct your thinking.

16. You need to re-direct your thinking.

17. You need to re-direct your thinking.

18. You need to re-direct your thinking.

19. Never forget this…..There have to be cracks in everything. How else is the light supposed to come in?

Love always, even though I don’t say it enough…

Mindy

 

Thank you! 500 Hits! January 21, 2010

Filed under: Love,Mad Mindy Stories,Spirit,Welcome! — Mindy Hester @ 9:00 pm
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Thank you, thank you! To all my friends, family and perfect strangers who, in a meager 4 days, helped me reach 500 HITS on this blog! I love you all so much and promise to keep writing if you promise to keep listening to me vent.  Thanks to my Maxie-Moo. I Love you!

at the beach 2009

My #1 Guy.

Now do this:     Click this link,     close your eyes and…… just listen.

 

Oops! I did it again, and again, and again…..with Legos. January 20, 2010

Filed under: Love,Mad Max Stories,Mad Mindy Stories,Spirit,Welcome! — Mindy Hester @ 9:46 pm
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The American Heritage Dictionary defines the word obsession as the follows:

Ob~ses~sion n. 1. Compulsive preoccupation with a fixed idea or emotion, often accompanied with anxiety and frustration. v. To preoccupy the mind excessively.

I mean, who isn’t obsessed with SOMETHING? I love the show “Mad Men” and “True Blood”, for instance. I also love  reading,  Martin Guitars, brand new Sharpie pens, Jared Leto and the Khao Soy Kai w/Chicken from Thai Thai in Deerfield ( (847) 564-5999, tell them I sent you)  I’ve got obsessed friends and family too! My Dad would just lose his mind if they stopped making Nivea Lotion, Deidre would go ape shit if coffee was suddenly listed as a Schedule C Illegal Drug and I am not sure how my Mom would handle it if The Lifetime Channel went off the air. My friend Selena hasn’t met a pair of shoes she didn’t like and her brother’s ability to recite every single line of dialogue in the Godfather Trilogy is mind-numbing. This is an innate human characteristic. We’ve all got a little obsession in us.

I, however, hit the Mother-lode.  The following image may be harmful and disturbing to some younger viewers. Parental Discretion is advised. What you are about to see is the culmination of over 100 hours of back-breaking, painstakingly intricate work….done by an obsessed, deranged and commiserable geek.

Yeah, you’re right. They’re Lego’s. Simple, plastic Lego toys that have been around since the dawn of toy. You follow the directions, put together the ship or boat or whatever the hell you bought and then the project is complete. That’s the way the “normies” do it. That’s the way most Moms do it when presented with a brand new Lego ship in a box and an adorable 5-year-old looking up at you and saying “Mommy, can you put this together for me…please?”. And that is the way it started. Max received his first Star Wars Lego ship about 9 months ago. He had seen his friend Grant’s  collection and wanted one of his own so I went out and got one. The first “build” (that’s Lego lingo for the art of making these creations) was fun. It was a small ship and took no time at all. I actually quite enjoyed myself and was proud of that work.

Well, the ships kept on coming, and the “builds” got harder and harder. But as they got harder and more frequent I found a quite, zen-like power while working. I was able to zone out and take a well deserved mental break during these times. And it was energizing.  I literally got a rush from making these ridiculous non-recyclable novelties. But, I just couldn’t stop. And Max and I were having a ball putting together ship after ship, watching the movies and reading all the books.

I have always loved Star Wars. A bit of an “obsession” if you don’t mind me using the term. But since Max and I have got into Star Wars Lego’s, we have both gone off the deep end. And it is all my fault. I have turned my intelligent, playful little boy into a building zombie, working for hours on end on this ship or that, barely coming up to the surface for bathroom breaks and dinner and, this is the worst, waking up as early as 5:00 am and going directly downstairs to play with Lego’s. The worst is (and I am going to get kind of serious now) is that he is alienating his friends when they come to play when, heaven forbid, they want to play something besides Lego’s. This is actually bringing him to tears.  He is talking about it constantly, Star Wars seems to be the only thing we talk about anymore. And he’s not the only nut in the house! No! Yeah, I am so protective of the ships I made that I cringe when someone even breathes on one, I actually took pictures of my progress  putting together the Death Star and posted them on Facebook like they were a new baby to show off. And the worst part is this; I have taken the “important” mini-men (you know, like Darth Vader, The Silver Stormtrooper, Princess Leia in the Slave outfit, little Anakin…) and I have been HIDING them from my own son! I have hoarded them all for myself like they are treasures. Max recently discovered my stash and said to me “But, Mommy, why would you hide these from me?”.

I confess this insane story to you tonight not as a warning to diversify your hobbies, or to get out there and get a social life. I am telling it to you because of this: My son is learning all there is to know about life and how to be a good human being by watching what is nearest and dearest to him; me. My story may be silly, but Max is at an age when making friends is so very important, and he just had a play date with a perfectly terrific kid who he literally ignored. Why? Because he just couldn’t put down the Lego’s for even a second. Why? Because he’s seen Mommy do the same thing.

The Chicago Tribune reported today that the “Young people now devote an average of 7 hours, 38 minutes to daily media use, or about 53 hours a week — more than a full-time job.” That almost 8 hours of watching TV, surfing the web, playing video games and texting. 8 HOURS! So, as of tomorrow, our house is going on a Lego fast. While Max is sleeping I am going to take all the Legos and store them up, clear the house of the distraction. Tomorrow morning will be hell, but I have faith that we can make it one week Lego free. We will come together once again as a vibrant, creative home and I can walk free and barefoot without fear of injury from a misplaced floor score. After the week is up I plan to slowly re-introduce Star Wars Lego’s back into our lives in small healthy doses, little teasers to remind us of how much we do still love it.

I hope to get my home back in order, I hope to stop lying in bed thinking if I put a fucking  droid cannon together correctly and I hope, most importantly, to get my son back. May the Force be with you.

Mindy & Max

 

So, this is what happened. January 18, 2010

Filed under: Love,Mad Max Stories,Mad Mindy Stories — Mindy Hester @ 5:15 pm
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Thing is, I really don’t need to tell you how Max was. I mean, he had a terrific time and it definitely wasn’t free of  incident. We can’t perform miracles overnight. The one who I should write about is me.

You see, I walked into the situation already mentally destroying any chance it  becoming a positive one. I had worked through every possible scenario, role-played every feasible shenanigans and before the car was even packed I had delivered a verdict of CHAOS. The trip was doomed from the start.

And I did my best to keep that going. I did it all. I fretted and worried about every move the kid was making, and I was making it a horrible trip for the both of us.

Kurt Cobain once said (Yeah, I AM quoting Kurt Cobain) that “Waiting to be someone else is a waste of the person you really are.” The reason that I am having anxiety & panic attacks taking my son into public places is MY fault, not his. I realized this weekend (with help from a dear friend and observer) that I am the one who needs to change. It doesn’t have to be this hard. I am making this so hard and it is just breaking my heart. So I am making a pact with my spirit. To change. Because the experiences I go through with this amazing boy are only as disastrous as I make them.

Hope you all had a great weekend.

Mindy

Yes….it’s another quote below. Just get used to it, I like quotes

“Follow your bliss and don’t be afraid, and doors will open where you didn’t know they were going to be.”

-Joseph Campbell

From now on, I will practice to be always more "Jerry-Like".

 

On Our Way On The Overstimulation Super Highway! Whose more anxious, Max or Me? January 16, 2010

Filed under: ADHD Facts & Opinions,Love,Mad Max Stories,Mad Mindy Stories,Occupational Therapy,Spirit,Welcome! — Mindy Hester @ 9:04 am
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We’ve got a free day from school this weekend so we are taking to the road (well, actually just about 25 minutes up the road) to the colorful, crowded and semi-annoying Key Lime Cove Water Park in Gurnee. We’ve given this one a try before about a year ago. My parents took Max and me for the weekend, a much needed weekend. Before the car was packed the anxiety had already begun. Not Max……Me. The questions were streaming through my mind: “How will he act? Will he do that screaming thing? Will he stay at my side or run away and get lost in the crowd? Will he do that thing were he runs into the walls and hit’s himself in the face? “. This happens every time we go somewhere. I feel anxious, nervous and my palms sweat.  Especially to someones  home. We often have play dates and dinners over at our dear friends and neighbors house and I feel my shoulders start to rise and stay hunched up near my ears as we walk to their house. The entire time we are there I am on edge, watching his every his every move, using the phrase “No, Max” over and over it becomes so redundant. This phenomenal friend of mine also is raising a child with sensory needs and always seems so cool, she’s always telling me not to worry even though last year Max knocked down and broke part of a treasured collection of hers she didn’t even break a sweat. She’s a wonder and I don’t know how she does it. Maybe she will grace us with some words of wisdom.

So we are off. Car is packed, Books, DVD’s, Lego’s are packed. Squeezing toys, tug of war rope, tight feety pajama’s and heavy blankets are in the car, ready to help when we need a sensory break. BTW: Sometimes Max takes sensory breaks by doing wall push ups and jumping jacks when he gets too “Mr. Jumpy” (our code word for the ADHD), and it’s been working well. Wish us lock. Have a great weekend everyone!

One more thing:  I just got a note on Facebook from a friend which says the following, please pass it on and never forget it:

Sometimes you just need to hear it… You are a phenomenal woman, a beautiful mother, doing an extraordinary job, making things happen for those you love, and although you might not always think about it, you are loved and appreciated!

Love,

Mindy & Max

 

 
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